Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Randomize
