dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
