I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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