i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
