im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
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