i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Randomize
