Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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