belinda wants 2 know wr u got ur butt pads
i dont wear butt pads that thang is au naturel
Yeah...right...LMAO
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
