Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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