The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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