Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
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