She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Randomize
