Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
