I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize