Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
