Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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