You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
