Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize
