I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
My balls are so social today.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
