we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
