if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
