before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Randomize
