for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
