me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Randomize
