Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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