OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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