he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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