I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
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