I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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