Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
