in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
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I just found a bag of teeth...
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
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TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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