I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
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he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
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It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Randomize