he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
