True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
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i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Randomize