Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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