Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
