2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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