Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
