her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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