apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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