my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
last night I used snow as a chaser
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