I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Cover your peen. We're going out.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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