i permit you to call me
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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