Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
