i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Randomize
