Yo dont text me then not text me
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
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