Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
