I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
