1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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