I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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