We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
