Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
The struggles of a small town man whore
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..