Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
