If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
