I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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