porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
