Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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